“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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There are no pants in heaven.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
they split up moments later
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine