“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Doctors texting each other.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”