Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

😭😭😭😭

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Feel. He’s so soft.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once