“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
new career option?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
choose your gary
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me: