Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.