Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Shoo shoo! 😂

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

is this how new cars are made??

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it