Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
The sacred texts.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.