Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges