Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.