Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
sometimes we need to be reminded
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor