Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Whoa… oh I see lol

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”