Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓