Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
This is true.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me trying to “trust the process”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”