Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.