Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
These are my roll models.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
new wife guy just dropped
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.