Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.