@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

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@JustMeTurtle

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

@ObscureGent

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.

@ranndrew

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

@faizziy

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

@Calliejacobson

So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@_ElvishPresley_

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@Jake_Vig

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.