Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder