Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
