Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
