Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

but that was my emotional support daylight

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.