Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
john wicks are toilet candles
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.