Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

I have so many questions.

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.