*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
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cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move