Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

But that’s none of my business

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes