Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
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I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I falcon love using swear birds
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
how much for the angry fruit?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
the last thing a carrot sees