Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Happy Thanksgiving

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

i made a craigslist ad !

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.