Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

You know…for fall…

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

When you have to use a public restroom.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time