Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit