DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Stop sending me this shit.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that