Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
When can I start eating bats again.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.