Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.