Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
2022: I can fix it
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.