Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
You Might Also Like
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Friday
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?