Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.