Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Phones down.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question