dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
what kind of cook setting is this??
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*