Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

*pronounces fake like saké*

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me