Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me hooking up with my ex
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.