Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

I think my mom just blocked me

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu