Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…