Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high