Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
You Might Also Like
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.