Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first child will be named New Folder.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.