“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
