DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.