Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!