Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist