Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”