Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.