Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk