Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars