DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
