“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Drilling for oil is well boring.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
This why you should mind your business
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.