Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup