Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

This did not end as expected.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

airing out the snack pack

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Mission: Impossible

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…