“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT