My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The fall of Netflix
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.