Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.