Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from