Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

that de-escalated quickly

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.