“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao