“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Sheep
How do you like your Corgi?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.