Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.