Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
the icebreaker
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Showerkraut
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Succinctly put.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead