Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
🍞🦆
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.