Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

what’s in a name?

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out