Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell