Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?