Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.