Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone