“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!