“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.