Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.