Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
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Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
God: why don’t we text anymore?
Me: you know why
God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”
Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”
Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.