@tuckerflodman

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

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@Aspersioncast

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

@ClichedOut

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

@thenatewolf

God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k

@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”

@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@WillSaysStuff

I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.