Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.