Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Hank is one in a melon.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?