Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Eating for two.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“