Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

She might be a genius

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious