Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

My fantasy football season is going great

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no